Well, this explains why you haven’t had your period in seven months. You have PCOS.
A tall, thin
middle-aged lady with curly blonde hair, my midwife, Linda, continued to keep
her eyes—which were masked by reading glasses—on the laptop screen in front of
her. I immediately broke down in tears as I lay on that cold, hard table with
my legs spread in the stirrups. My mother was in the room with me, too,
teary-eyed and saddened by my reaction to the news. I had read about polycystic
ovarian syndrome and all that it does to women. I read stories of women who
never had babies and would never become mothers. Hearing Linda tell me that
PCOS is super common and that many women have it didn’t make me feel any
better. In a sort of dazed stupor, I sent Brian a text:
I have PCOS.
It all
started to make sense. In 2013, when I was 22, I started to grow little and few
hairs on the bottom part of my chin, close to my neck. Having refused to shave
it, someone had pointed it out at a Memorial Day barbeque, laughing, telling me
that I needed to pluck the few hairs. I was humiliated, so I went ahead and shaved
the hairs. Now, I’ve got to shave my chin almost every day. Since 2014, I’ve
gained about 50 pounds. I won’t blame my weight-gain solely on the PCOS, but
I’d say it played a huge part in the process. I was also feeling comfortable—I’d
moved in with hubby, and I was happy and in love. In January 2014, my periods had
started to come later and later, and in August, they stopped coming all
together. I knew something was wrong, but I refused to think it was anything
that would have such an effect on me. There was NO WAY it could be PCOS.
So, that all
being said, I was prescribed some birth control and sent on my way. I wasn’t
happy to be going on it, but I knew that it had to be done. Linda also said
that taking birth control will regulate me and make it easier to conceive when
I am actually ready. When I got home, Brian could immediately tell that I
didn’t take the news so well. He hugged me and told me not to worry; that we’d
get through it together.
I have a few
friends who also have PCOS and have told me that it’s no big deal; PCOS doesn’t
mean you’re definitely infertile and it can be cured. As much as I wanted all
of that to make me feel better, it didn’t and it doesn’t. In fact, it annoys me
more often than not, because all women are affected differently by PCOS. PCOS has
been attacking directly at my womanhood. I lost all confidence in myself, often
calling myself a “fat, hairy, infertile blob.” There are days when I wear huge,
baggy tees and refuse to put on makeup all together (and while this may not
seem like such a bad thing to some, it’s bad for me because I genuinely love
the art of makeup and how it makes me feel). Suddenly, the confident, happy, flirty,
sometimes-crazy woman I was becoming disappeared. I’ve stopped going out to
bars with my girls. I decided against going to the gym because I don’t want to
be judged. For a while, to be honest, I had been sinking into this pit of self-despair.
At first, I
kept telling myself that I needed to hide until I lost this extra weight. I didn’t feel worthy of dressing nice. “You
can wear cute things when you’re 90 pounds lighter.” Having drilled that into
my head, I refused to go shopping for clothes or accessories. I also wasn’t
sure if I should blog about my life. Who the hell would want to follow someone
with so many insecurities? But then, one day, something so fabulous happened: I
discovered the world of plus-size fashion!
There are so
many gorgeous women out there who are my size and look fabulous in their little
black dresses, bikinis, high-waist jeans and pencil skirts. They wear gorgeous
high heels and have their hair done and, most importantly, they are smiling! I
knew from that moment on that I wanted to be a part of their world. I want to
feel good about myself again. This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on losing weight
and achieving better health; it just means I’m going to flaunt what I got while
I’m on this journey of self-improvement and self-love.
Perhaps the
worst part of this diagnosis, though, is the constant thought that I may be a
childless stepmother.
As many of
you probably know, my future-hubby has a baby girl, Abigail. She’s 2 now, and
so sweet and beautiful, and I love her! I am happy to assume the role as her
stepmother, but in the back of my mind, I am overwhelmed with thoughts of never
having a baby of my own. I never really thought about kids before; I knew I’d probably
have a couple of them later in life when I was older and ready. But, now,
having a child is something I can’t stop thinking about. And, to be honest, I’m
terrified of never being able to give my husband a child. He assures me over
and over that we will make it happen no matter what, and if we can’t, he will
love me just the same. He’s been pretty great through all of this (not to
mention, he frequently puts up with my profound mood swings and random craziness!).
I wish there
were answers for all of my questions. I’ve got so many of them. Like, “How does
this happen?” and “Why do people randomly develop PCOS at certain ages?”
Unfortunately, there aren’t many answers to these questions. That’s why I want
to share my story with you. Though PCOS is so common, it is very misunderstood.
If you think you are experiencing signs of PCOS, see your gynecologist and
request an ultrasound. As stated by the Hormone Health Network,
some symptoms of PCOS may include:
- Irregular or missing menstrual periods
- Difficulty conceiving
- Excess or unwanted body or facial hair growth
- Thinning of the hair on the scalp
- Weight gain and difficulty losing weight
- Skin problems, including skin tags, darkening skin and acne
- Anxiety and depression
These
symptoms suck and, as I said earlier, they affect everyone differently; some
people don’t gain any weight. Others (like myself, thank goodness) don’t lose
hair. Either way, PCOS does affect women. And it brings fear and uncertainty
with it. If you feel like you don’t understand it, reach out to a cyster. Reach
out to me. I don’t mind talking about it and I’m not ashamed of it. This is a
battle I will fight for a long time, but it’s one that I’m determined to beat.
I know people with PCOS and they conceived kids. I hope you are one of them. I understand infertility. Been there, done that and as it turned out, despite being told I would never conceive a baby, I'm a mother of three. Hang in there and keep your thoughts positive. Keep being an inspiration for other young women with this. Xoxo
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